Dream As If You'll Live Forever

Live Like You'll Die Tomorrow

Hallow's Eve
DD, DH, and I all carved our pumpkins tonight, they turned out pretty awesome! I decided I should do a clown pumpkin ;) lol

I'm sorry I couldn't resist. Happy Halloween! Elizabeth will be going as Violet from The Incredibles!

However, things could be going better.

[Test Results and my rant for the night]I got my thyroid and blood/hormone tests back and I am progesterone deficient. I am officially a 27 year (almost 28 year old) struggling with infertility. Unfortunately, that means I have to take hormone medication. Which are totally not fun. They make me so moody! And I'm still on FertilAid. So lots of pill popping for me. In more ways than one......... Anyway, husband goes in for his test late November. So we'll see where he is at. BFN showed itself last Wednesday, and I haven't written about it until now because I'm so mad about it. It feels like at least once a week I go on Facebook and someone is announcing their pregnant or having a baby. It's so frustrating. I'm so sick of it already. I did not want to have to take hormones. Birth control pills have the same effect on me. I can't function. I become monsterous. I hate it.

I hate being 'that mom' that yells and has a low temper. I try to be better, and I think about it all day at work how I want to go home and have fun with DD and play games and sit and play barbies or read stories or play outside, but she is impossible. She whines and throws a fit about the silliest things and it drives me nuts! I can't stop myself from snapping at her and it makes me feel like the shittiest person, and then I regret it, tell her I'm sorry for snapping or yelling and try to correct what I did.... and I feel like it's just a never ending battle. All around... with the trying to get pregnant and being a sane mother.

And DH doesn't know what to do either. I think he is starting to notice how depressed I'm getting. Like tonight, my friend from high school... not close, but close enough to be facebook friends and have the occasional political debate or deep conversation via-messanger... announced that she is pregnant and due in May 2017. I totally just shut down after that. Barely said two words. He didn't know it, but I was holding back screaming and crying and being angry. Cause I can't be that person who doesn't tell her congratulations, she lost twins a couple years ago, so I know she's had her troubles too, that I can't even comprehend!!!, but it doesn't make my struggles less or her announcement less hurtful. And you can say that also makes me shitty, but I said congratulations, and although I was behind a screen I really did mean it. I'm happy for her, but that doesn't mean I can't be sad for me right?... ugh it's just so complicated. I wish it wasn't.

I also hate going anywhere or doing anything. Because there is always that one person who has to ask when we're having another one. It even happened last night at Elizabeth's school Halloween dance. like.. what!? You barely know me!? STOP asking that question!

Like I said progesterone is a bitch. It made my cycle a few days longer, so I have to make sure to use OPKs because technically my O'day could still arrive on time. And don't get me wrong I really want another baby, I really really do. I want hold, snuggle, and be a mommy with a little one again, but I also want to do it for DH. I know he really wants one too. And it's so hard for me to even look at him without feeling guilty that I'm not pregnant. That I can't give him another child.

I feel so selfish most of the time. I feel like he wants to give me everything and he does so much for me that I should be able to do this for him. That I should be able to give him what he wants, what he desires. I'm just so tired of it. *sigh*

Job is getting old

I never wanted to go into family law in the first place. Too much drama, too much emotion. ...

And now, struggling again to get pregnant and watch people pass up the chance and losing the opportunity to keep their rights to their children is just overwhelmingly sad and depressing.

These people don't even try. They don't give a sh#* about their kids.. it hurts. It's emotionally draining. Very angering and frustrating.

I know I have to put up a wall and disconnect myself from it, but at this point it's getting really old really fast.

If we didn't have to pay for Jr. kindergarten, I'd quit.

I also called today and found out testing isn' t covered until our deductible is met so all of our inferility testing will be out of pocket costs. Kevin's test alone will be $300. :/

So there's my rant for the night. If ur a fb friend now you know why I never post personal stuff.

Dottie crossed over the Rainbow Bridge
Yesterday late afternoon I received the phone call that our beloved family dog died.

We aren't sure if she had cancer or if she was just really sick, but she was 12, and antibiotics weren't working, and she was in a lot of pain.

My mom is heartbroken and I don't know what to do. We've never been through this with a pet before.

It's really hard and I miss her already.

RIP Dottie, I hope you're swimming in a pool of tennis balls <3

It could've gone a little better....
Well today was the appointment.

It went... okay.

details.Collapse )

On a lighter note, DH and I can't wait for skiing to start! We are seriously ready for the snow to fly and to get out the snowboard and skiing equipment! We're even going to put DD in lessons! I hope she likes it! I would love to have a skiing buddy! 

Appointment Tomorrow
Well, the appointment is tomorrow and I don't know how to feel about it.
[tmi behind here]
Also, my period is gonna start so now I'm all emotional cause I'm once again not pregnant. Not a surprise, but still sucks..

Just waiting for ms. flo to unpack her bags.. I'm so going as her for Halloween, it's gonna be hilarious.

BFN this morning.
So, I POAS this morning and it was a BFN, but who knows. It was one of those dollar store ones and it was 2 days early. I'm not trying to hold out hope, but it's hard.[Maybe.... next time.... they say....]Since I had the streaked ewcm I'm really hoping maybe this is it.. but if it's not I have my appointment on Thursday. I'm half dreading it half axious about it. It's hard.

[it wont last forever they say]DD is still not #2 potty trained and it's really irritating. She knows how, she just doesn't want to take the time to do it, and it's like.. wth kid. Just go to the bathroom!... ugh! Almost 5 and I still have to change her pullup. We've talked to the doctor, she's on a miralax regmine for constipation... so she's never constipated anymore, and the doctor says that she just needs time and that we need to ignore it... I can't ignore it.. it's completely disgusting and I'm so sick of it.

New Clinic!

So last time I had a baby I succombed to what my husband wanted. He convinced me to go a clinic with an OB, and do it his way at a hospital.

[Long story short... a Natural VBAC will happen!]He was really only looking out for me. My mom had three c-sections. All but the last being emergent because it was planned. He was worried the same would happen to me... And it did, but my csection wasn't emergent. It was because my OB failed to do her job. Failed to take what I wanted into consideration. and failed to be my advocate. Which is beyond frustrating.

If she had done her job and come to the hospital while I was in labor any earlier in the day (or night! for that matter) rather than showing up just prior to being 24 hrs after my water broke then maybe she would have had a chance to talk to me about, or provide the other options I had of getting Elizabeth to progress.

Now that I know more.. that there are ways to help a baby in transition when they are stuck (granted they are pretty painful, but still..) it makes me so mad that this wasn't offered to me and I was robbed of everything I wanted in my birth plan.

Anyway, I called today and I'm going to a new clinic next Thursday! One with midwives, doulas, water birth tubs, and everything I wanted the first time! I basically told Kevin, when and if I get pregnant, we're doing it my way this time! (In a nice way, but I was firm about it and explained all of what I just said, and he basically said, it's your body, I'm leaving it up to you.) He knows how last time basically traumatized me, and I think he feels bad it turned out that way. He even made the comment that he felt like the doctor was just trying to get it over with and that she was doing what was most convenient for her. Which is how I feel about it now too. (All in hinde-sight I guess).

So, here it goes. I asked if they could help me with conception problems and they said yes, so I'm going in for a check up. I'll be seeing a nurse practitioner, but I figure that's probably standard for someone who isn't pregnant yet.

Excited, but nervous.


Skol Vikings!! They won tonight which makes me very happy!

Hubby and I decided that if aunt flo arrives this month that we're going to try fertility blend.

Maybe that'll just get us the extra boost we need.

My cycles are normal, and OPKs are positive so I am ovulating, so it has to be something else.

Which is maddening when you have no control.

My sister is oblivious.

Talking to her about not getting pregnant and that I'm frustrated and she asks, "How would you feel just being the three Amigos?"

Are you serious?... Ffs. I'm just so done. Seriously!!?


Wow, it's been a long time.

Wow, hello LJ world!

It's been a long time.

Since I've posted I've gone to school, graduated and gotten an Associate's Degree as a Paralegal and we've moved into a new house!

Things have really been going well.. except for getting pregnant.

I graduated last year in May and we've been trying ever since.

It's so disheartening. I'm so frustrated I could scream. I mean I'm not stressed out about it like you'd think, but I'm just sad.It's like... seriously I knew this would happen.

[told u so]I always said if we didn't try sooner that I'd get out of school in 2015 (cause I wanted to start trying in 2013/2014) that I wouldn't get pregnant and then I'd be pushing 30. And I don't want kids after 30! That sounds pretty stupid, and it's really no offense to older moms. I actually think it's awesome, but it's just not for me. I want my kids to be gown and in college when I'm in my 50's so by the time I hit retirement I can enjoy it. And I'd like to get to enjoy my grandbabies like my parents do. (They're just hitting 50 themselves!)... So I probably sound dumb, but I'm just so sad. It's not fair... I don't temp because it makes me crazy watching the numbers every day, but I use OPK's and I watch my CM to see how it's going down there... We seem to be timing the deed at the right time, so it's just disheartening. But I can say 'I told you so.. cause here I am turning 28, in like 2 months.. and not even pregnant which means time is running out people.. time is running out.

Watching all my friends who are just now getting married and having babies get pregnant on honeymoons and within months of their nuptials so ........ maddening. I can't not say congratulations, cause then I look like a bitch, but to constantly see baby bumps, showers, nurseries... and my 20 year old sister had a baby... so that doesn't help either.

[In which I rant about my sister]

She's in Alaska now, so I haven't seen her in over a year. She had her baby in January and I still haven't been able to go out and see her. So that's a whole nother frustration. They have been told they're coming home multiple times because he is getting medically discharged, but now their coming home date is being pushed back again until close to Thanksgiving. I hope it's true cause I really need her. Except for her 'Better than thou' attitude about being a mom and 'wearing' her DD everywhere.. it's like yea hunny I did that too. and I made baby food --- just like you... and I tried cloth diapers but they just didn't work for us... glad you can use them though.. but oh she just makes me so mad. She acts like she knows everything. And I told her when she gets back I want to have my neice for a day or two (after they're settled and Evelynn is comfortable with me)... and she flat out told me no. Like wtf. Get over yourself. And she's like 'I'm just too attached to her'... uh yea you are and that shit aint healthy either. Take a freakin mommy break, you've only been doing this by yourself for almost a year. Go take a freakin one night vacation, she will live! SHEESH... ugh just annoys me. I just want to be with her. Heaven forbid. Owell.... makes me sad.

[The stupid people that make me crazy]

It's also frustrating not having anyone to talk to who understands and staying quiet about it because people don't get and they just tell you to 'relax' or 'itl'll happen when God decides your ready' or when your step-mother-in-law asks you every.single.time. when #2 is arriving... UGH! Like please stop asking. And stop saying that 'it'll happen' cause lord knows that now that we finally have moved (we were supposed close on our house a month and a half earlier than we did and it fell through 2 days before closing.. f__ing crock that was.. Our whole lives were in limbo all summer, but that's a story for another time...) and anyway.. now that we've finally moved.. I bet if I get pregnant now people will just be like.. "SEE! The stress of moving is gone and you're in your new house and 'GOD' just new that you were ready for the baby!' like GET OVER YOURSELF you are not some freakin psychic who predicted the future. Do you know what I want to do to whoever says that to me? I want to look at them and then punch them in the face and then ask them if they saw that shi* coming. Cause if they knew what God thought they should've....

[Where I work now...]

Anyway, I'm working now as a Paralegal at a small Family Law Firm with two attorneys. They're both great women, and wonderful bosses. I'm really lucky to have them. They let me take off the days DD has off school so I don't have to pay for crazy daycare expenses (right now she goes to Jr. Kindegarten at a private catholic school).

Being in a Family Law firm with two attorneys who are Public Defenders for Child Protection Cases is also very frustrating. It's so sad to watch some of these cases unfold. And even more sad when you find out that some of these kids end up shelters cause they can't get fostered by family. Oh and my one attorney does adoptions.. and those aren't fun either.. It makes me scared to adopt if we can't get pregnant.

I don't even know where to start with adoption. I don't want to fall victim to scam. DH wants to adopt inside the United States. I don't. I'd much rather adopt a child from somewhere else.

Which brings me full circle to this cycle. I guess....

I'm past my O-day, and in my TWW.

[tmi]I had a little bit of blood streaked EWCM during Ovulation.. so I guess we'll see. If I were to get pregnant I'd be due on my dad's birthday.. That'd be fun!

However, I'm thinking I might need to go to the doctor and that scares me. Like a lot. Because I know that after my initial physical by my OB that nothing is covered and we'll have to go see and endocrinologist and I don't want to. I don't want to have to do it. Plus if there is something wrong we have already decided that the farthest we will go is fertility (booster) treatments (drugs like clomid). Neither of us want to conceive via IUI or IVF.

So... There's my rant for the night.   Good night.. maybe I'll go check on TTC boards..


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